Raw moments.

unashamed

Raw moment // This past semester because of a certain subject I was reminded of some memories of my last year that I’ve tried to hide. I could not figure out why talking about depression and suicidal thoughts affected me so much. And it was only during this break that I realised the reason. When my friend found out I was taking medications for depression, I had the sudden urge to gloss over it, to hide it and make it sound like it was nothing. And it was then when I had an inkling maybe it was shame that I was feeling. I didn’t think much of it and talked myself out of and l thought it went away. But then this morning I was reading a post on a website about depression, and that it was when it hit me and confirmed to me that it is shame I’m feeling. Ashamed that I have depression, ashamed that I thought about hurting myself, ashamed that I thought about suicide, ashamed that I had a plan and ashamed that I had the means to do it. And I couldn’t figure a way out of it. I couldn’t be okay with my past. Then tonight at church, we sang these words. This song isn’t new but tonight the lyrics became personal and special. And I was just reminded that His love sets me free. Free from my past and from my sins. Shame is not from Him. He can still use me despite my past, no matter how ugly or unpleasant it is. And yet again I’m just reminded of how good He is. How He cares about me, and chooses anything to speak to my situation. Even without me asking Him, He knows what I need and provides for me. So here I am again, wrecked by His love and goodness and learning to let His love guide me through this new but same journey.

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